I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
