God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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