hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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