Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
