plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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