She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize