I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
