If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
