eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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