Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize