I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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