Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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