Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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