I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
