just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
