Moan for me like Helen Keller
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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