If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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