Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize