Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
