dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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