Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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