Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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