do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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