Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My vagina is very pro this idea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
