why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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