Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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