I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
