you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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