drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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