all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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