1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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