This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
