i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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