Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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