I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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