went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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