shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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