And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
