Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
