Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
