I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
