My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
