3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
