Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize