i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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