Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
