It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
