Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
