I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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