just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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