I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
