I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
