yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize