wrigley field is MILF paradise
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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