1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I will be naked everywhere
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
