Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
