1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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