Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
