After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
