Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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