I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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