When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i can't believe i had my finger in that
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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