I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just invented taco cereal.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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