every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
