I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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