Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
