the condom got lost in my hair
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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