she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
