By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize