where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he was CRYING into my vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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