is your mom at the bar?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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