So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
