I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
