Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
