Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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