my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
